Below are some useful tit-bits of advice to help you stay alive in these dark times.

If you must eat eggs only eat eggs from battery farms. There is, of course, no danger that any chicken cooped up with thousands of other chickens day in day out could every get an airborne disease such as bird flu. Don't forget that your family comes first!

Don't dry out, grind up and then sniff chicken innards even if you really really want to. This is a sure fire way to contracting the disease – an expert said so.

Tamiflu is about as useful as sticking an old sock in your ear. It has to be taken within 18.5 nS of first exposure and is only then 1% effective. Get sticking old socks in your ears!

At least 402 squillion people will die in a bird flu pandemic so make sure that you have done everything you intend to do. It's coming!

Don't be fooled into thinking that bird flu isn't a serious problem just because more people die of lightning strikes. Lightning can only kill you once.

Bird flu loves regular flu and wants nothing more than to swap some genes with it. Then it will become a flesh eater and turn you into a mushy pile of liquid within hours.

Practice your knee jerk reaction. Give up all meat and run away from birds. This should really help.

Covering your whole head with heavy cloth and putting on a face mask so that you don't breath in other peoples breath will cut your chances of dying from bird flu by at least 0.0000001%.

Getting vaccinated against the regular winter flu will save you from bird flu because they are really the same thing. The government just doesn't want a rush on the flu vaccine.

Shining light on inhumanely kept animals will cure them of bird flu according to one vegetarian who is on a personal crusade.

Antibacterial hand wash is the ultimate secret weapon against bird flu. It's the magic bullet that will save us.