Surviving the up and coming bird flu pandemic is going to be hard and preparation is the key. This guide will ensure that you are full prepared for any possible outbreak.

Step 1: Learn to Think Irrationally

Yes that's right. The only thing that is likely to save you is your ability to be totally irrational. Failure to be irrational could cost you your life so get in practice now. It is suggested that you start off by coming up with stupid and impractical ideas like wiping out all bird life and banning all movement in Europe. You can then progress onto really irrational and stupid ideas like vaccinating all birds and worrying about the suffering that is being caused by culls.

Step 2: Attempt to Force Your Irrational Ideas onto Others

In this time of panic there is nothing people want more than to have some halfwit that doesn't have the faintest clue what they are talking about spouting rubbish. It is your duty to try and convince others that your plan to save the world is the best one. Make sure that you try and spread your half-baked ideas as widely as possible by posting it on every newsgroup and chat room you can find. If people don't take your advice at least you tried.

Step 3: Stockpile Food

Now is probably a good time to start stockpiling food. Make sure that you get lots of fresh fruit and vegetables as you need to keep your vitamin levels up. Irrational and large food purchases should help spread fear as well which is a sure fire way of stopping the spread of bird flu. It is your duty, therefore, to buy everything you can get your hands on.

Step 4: Build your Shelter

Just like with an atom bomb the fall out from bird flu will likely cause the surface of the planet to become an uninhabitable wasteland for at least a couple of days. You must build yourself a shelter. If you can, dig a huge hole in the back garden and cover it with a sheet of wood. Put food and water in the hole. At the first sign of the pandemic go and sit in the hole and don't come out until it's over. It will be hard but it's the only way.