The first thing that you need to do if you are going to survive the H5N1 strain of bird flu is to understand it. It's a slippery little blighter and will catch you unaware, generally while you are asleep or your back is turned. Children are, as always, much more likely to catch bird flu which is why every report you see in the news has to include at least one child dying or being horribly mutilated.
The following questions and answers about the H5N1 strain of bird flu should induce panic and help you act irrationally regarding bird flu.
What is bird flu?
Bird flu is a deadly bacteria virus that was introduced thousands of years ago by aliens from the planet Phurgomd. It has lain dormant in birds for all this time until recently when it detected that our technological advancement could threaten the Phurgomded people. To us it looks like a standard bacteria virus and which was the Phurgomdeds most cunning plan.
The current strain causing us problems is the H5N1 strain but that is not the only one that was released upon us. There are 15 types of bird flu all bent on our destruction. The two most super ultra mega deadly stains are H5 and H7.
Bird flu is spread by migratory birds such as the elephant and octopus. They don't normally come down with symptoms but instead just spread the bacteria virus to domestic birds, which are more susceptible, such as the oak and elm.
How do Humans Catch Bird Flu
Humans can currently only catch bird flu through prolonged and intimate contact with infected birds. This is seen by many as direct evidence for the presence of God who directly forbids such contact in the bible (Leviticus 18:23).
It is also possible to catch the virus by dressing up as a bird, making bird like noises and, it is believed, thinking too hard about birds. There is preliminary evidence that referring to women as birds can cause outbreaks of the disease.
What are the Symptoms of Bird Flu
Generally the most noticeable symptom is death. If you fail to notice that look for general flu like symptoms such as sprained ankles and orange hair. The virus affects all parts of the body except the left big toe.
Is Eating Chicken Safe
You have got to be joking! These evil birds are carriers for just about every disease know to man and you want to eat them? Cooking will only increase the speed of infection so that's a non-starter. Chicken, duck, pheasant and meat from all other birds should simply be incinerated. A bio-hazard level 5 encounter suit should be worn when handling the meat. Your local council will have set aside a special containment area when you can place the meat.