"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths? He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house." He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again...' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What Happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. He left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time" The man replied "I know - I've been ill"

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any...

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.