We all do stupid things from time to time but I seem to have the ability to do, and in particular say, some really idiotic things. I decided that having all my friends and family laugh at me wasn't enough and that for real deep down humilation I needed more. For that reason I put together this page so that you can have a really good chuckle at someone elses misfortune.

• I have a not insubstantial knowledge of chemistry having taken a four year degree in the subject so you would think I would know better than to make this particular mistake. A group of us were sitting around chatting and the subject got on to producing fake diamonds. I have been following this for a while as I find it quite interesting. Part way though the discussion though I blurted out, to eveyones amusement, that "yellow diamonds are yellow because of the carbon in them". At frst most people were awed by my indepth knowledge of such a tricky subject then about 2 nano-seconds later they remembered that in actual fact diamonds are made of carbon and pure ones are quite blatently not yellow. The yellowness is infact caused by iron impurities in the diamond.
• I once blurted out to a room full of people my name was not Graham. Hmmm I'll have to check that one out because I am actually pretty sure it is. To ths day I don't know what was going through my mind but it must have been good.
• I have come to the conclusion that playing with staplers is dangerous. Unfortunately I needed to learn this the hard way. Any way, I was standing around, watching TV I think, with a stapler in one hand. It was only a little stapler - the sort that you might get in a cracker. I was fed up so I was idly, gently, closing the stapler on my left thumb (who knows why). I though that there was no risk as I wasn't actually pushing just gently closing it but I was so wrong. For some reason my subconscious decided it no longer liked my left thumb and caused my right hand to squeeze down on the stapler sufficiently hard to fire a staple into it. The staple went through the pad of my thumb towards the nail. Luckily for me the staple didn't go through the nail and get bent over or hit the bone as that would have made it very hard to remove. It did however go deep enough that I could see it under the nail and annoyingly it was holding sufficiently tightly to my finger that I couldn't pull it out with my nails. I quickly rushed into the kitchen and got the prongs of a fork under the staple and levered it out. My thumb hurt for a while after that.
• I think our vacuum cleaner might be out to get me as it has tried on numerous occasions to "do me in". The funniest was while I has cleaning up after some DIY. I was picking up some tools to clean up the dust underneath them so I lent the vacuum cleaner wand-like extension against the banister (I was in the hall). I picked up a saw in left hand and, I think it was, a hammer in my right hand. Just as I did so the wand fell over and sucked in the corner of my t-shirt causing me to jump out of my skin. Unfortunately for me I had my arms positioned in such as way that as I jumped I ran the saw across my right wrist. I was left with a cut across my right wrist that very nearly needed immediate medical attention. I hate to think what would have happened if the saw blade had been new or it had been a knife in my left hand. After the initial shock at realizing how close I had come to death I couldn't help laughing at what a stupid way it would have been to go. The only accidental suicide ever. The coroner would never believe it was an accident.
• Another vacuum clear incident in the hall story. I was cleaning the stairs using the wand extension bit of the vacuum cleaner and was struggling to reach the top couple of steps that are round a corner. The vacuum cleaner was at the bottom of the stairs and was starting to get disterssed that I was stretching its suction tube so much. Not wanting to go down and carry the cleaner upstairs to do two steps I decided to pull the tube a little more. I pulled to tube. The cleaner decided it had had enough of being stretched and pulled back very nearly pulling me backwards down the stairs will it. A couple of weeks later I heard that Dyson paid out £1million in compensation to some guy that was injured on the stairs with their Dyson but the judge ordered no more details to be released. I am wondering if that guy was pulled down the stairs. Maybe there are packs of killer Dysons running around pulling innocent people down stairs? Call out the army!